R.I.P. Star Wars   no comments

Posted at 5:37 am in Uncategorized

 

 

The Thrill is gone.

 

Star Wars, once a vanguard for creativity and industry changing technology, has become an experiment in nostalgia porn.  It’s widely agreed, even by those that loved the Force Awakens, that it’s mostly a rehash of the originals, mostly a New Hope.  But it is a sequel, not a remake.  Or maybe it’s both.  But what is a sequel/remake/reboot?  Is it even a movie?  Is it Karaoke?  Is it a plot, with suspense, with at least a thin layer of disbelief?  Or is it a commentary on another movie? Or just a commentary on the fans of that other Movie?  Has Star Wars switched genres from an Adventure story to a light parody of itself?  It boggles the mind.  The only parallel I can think of is what “Evil Dead 2” is to “the Evil Dead.”

 

New Genre: Bank Movie

 

It’s at least innovative the way Jar Jar AbraHam and team interpret what a movie is.  It’s a new type of internet based reaction film, that breaks the 4th wall in new ways.  That part is interesting, and genius in its own cowardly, capitalist way.

 

I was genuinely surprised by the lack of surprises.  “Well, it will probably be soulless and generic, but at least it will have practical effects, it’ll have some new ships and costumes, some new settings, and John Williams will bring it in hard with the score”………………………..…..no……no…..no………..no?……….

 

  • Practical effects:  Presumably there were practical effects with some of the characters. But who could tell? Apart from the winks, like that jerky bird thing in the beginning.  They missed the point.  Most of the “movie”  looked shiny, greasy, metallic.  CGI or not, the movies of yore had texture.  They were dusty.  Matte.  I can’t think of the last time a Matte movie came out.  Even Fury Road, sandy and dry, still looked pretty greasy.  Maybe it’s the film stock.  And WTF Snoke?  Go home. –Oh, and that fooocking meatball and spaghetti Monster sequence.  Running + CGI = $?
  • X-Wings and T-Fighters were literally palette swaps.  Very few new ships.  Very few ship variety in general.  No A-wings, no Y-wings, no Tie-Interceptors, no Tie-Advanceds.
  • Jakku=Tattoine (Why isn’t it just Tatooine?  Why?  For real though? They have the same color buildings and speeders on Jakku?). The Resistance planet = Endor/Yavin.  The Starkiller Planet = Hoth, with trees.  And all of the interior shots were very reminiscent of the originals, not to mention the Millennium Falcon.  Retreading is okay, but retreading the whole way? Where’s fun in that?  Can we walk the dog around a different block next time?
  • Didn’t seem like they needed John Williams for the score.  Each piece was underplayed and sounded the same as the old.  At least the prequels pushed some great new JW scores.

 

More on the Concept Art.  To me the Concept Art is the most important part of Star Wars.  It creates the iconography that creates the reality and energy of the universe, and sticks in your mind.  It’s just cool.  Not much new to see in this one.  Take any two of George’s movies and it’s obvious that they are more different from one another than the Force Awakens is from A New Hope.  Star Wars was a “speed” of creativity, not a “distance” of creativity.  Repeating things that are already created isn’t even the same type of thing.

 

Just to prove I’m not crazy, though: yes, some of the jokes were funny, the acting was pretty good, and some of it was exciting.  There was action.  It was competent at being intelligible.  It passed the Turing test.

 

Now just a list of annoyances:  What about Return of the Jedi mang?  We’re back to square 1, with the Orwellian Dark side.  Straight up space Nazi’s, with banners and Aryan dude yelling.  No subtlety.  Empire/First Order officers look like the ones in a New Hope, which were trending down in V and VI.  Reset.  It was too cheeky.  Cringy lines like “Tell the Resistance Han Solo and the Millennium Falcon are back!”.  Oooo, Hans using the bowcaster, kinda cool—-ope, he had to say something and ruin the moment.  “Did you see that mom, did you see that?  Loooooooooooook!!!”  Introduction of characters too quickly.  Repeating the full names of characters all over the dialog. “Where’s Po Damarin?”  “BB-8, come here”.  “Han Solo”.  “Kilo Ren”  Why have we all memorized these names after seeing it once?  A bigger Death Star?  Death Star 3.0?  Really?  “Don’t worry, we made a joke about it, so we know it’s stupid, so it’s cool.” There’s too much other repetition to get into here.  General predictability when Kilo killed Solo, and when Ray saved Fin.  The forced quickness of the intro of characters, think BB-8’s intro vs R2s.  Convenient things like finding the Millennium Falcon on Jakku, Han finding it in space, and Rey being overpowered.  Too fast, with too many characters and no room to breathe.  Leia’s a general, with no Jedi tendencies.  Storm trooper costumes just look like Apple store versions of the originals (remember the wild new designs of the Snow Troopers, or the hover-bike troopers on Endor?).  Too many funky camera pans and shakes.  Should we be reminded of handheld shaky cams and zooms in a galaxy far far away?  And in all CGI scenes.  “JJ, you’ve done it again you magnificent bastard” –JJ in the mirror. A couple lens flares in the beginning.   And the action was, well, you can’t say there wasn’t action.  I mean, there was action in it, definitely.  One could not leave the theatre and say, “where was the action?”  The proverbial Action box was certainly checked.…………………Let’s just say, the sequences lacked weight.  The lightsaber scene was cool I think.  It was hard to tell through my palms.

 

God hates it:  http://time.com/4161601/vatican-star-wars-force-awakens-review/

 

Irrevocable damage has been done to the mythos.  This level of repititititititition just doesn’t make sense in any universe’s chronology.  Movie, Movie, Movie, that weird one where they repeated the other Movie, Movie, Movie.  The next one will have to explain how Snoke cast a shroud on the Galaxy, dooming everyone to wear the same clothes and repeat history until Disney could collect it’s telemetry.  Disney is on probation.  They took the strongest IP of all Western culture and upchucked it back to us.  Star Wars was always slightly different.  Daring, industry changing, and moral.  But this, this shit here, felt like MCU meets Michael Bay.  And for that, my faith is waning in Disney’s ability to spice it up in the next Marvel movies too, which have been good, but same.  Will they have more than lorals?  Do they have a soul?  Can they get funky?  Meanwhile, they’re shooting the next Star Wars spinoff movie with the same New Hope time period and setting.  Same bat-time, same bat-channel.  Will there be more Star Wars movies?  Will there ever!  Will they carry the torch?  Well, they sort of dropped the torch and peed on it.  RIP Star Wars.  I’m over it.  Am I an adult now?  Good night That’s no moon.  Bah Humbug.  Merry X-Wings.  It was extremely painful.  I call bullshit.  Expect more of the same sameness, ticket buyers.  Round and round the drain.  Only you can prevent forest fires.  $$$$.  CREAM.  It was a big film, for you.  Eat a doo doo pie.

 

We’re dooomed.

 

The part where Kilo stopped the blaster bolt was pretty cool though.  (…but what’s up with the power levels?)

Asalamalakum,

 

 

Written by THEM on January 13th, 2016

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